Why me?

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 23:15:19 GMT

There are only 2 type of people in this world; people that hate you and people that like you.

    This concept of how I look at life took me a while to understand. Actually, it took me 3 years! It all started when I met the people that I would want to be around for the rest of my entire life. They are known as the "BFOM" crew. It consisted of 5 people, including myself.
    We all had so much in common; practically did everything together! It's like we were family--no, we are family. Everything was just going great for us, it was too good to be true! I never had friends that I would consider as my brothers. But all the happiness will soon be crushed by a bolder of malicious jealousy.
    I soon found out about my friend's true personality. The longer I spent time with them, the more I will notice it. I know what they like, what they hate, and what will tick them off. This is now becoming an issue. I have my opinions about things, but I don't pass judgment on my friends to put them down, unless I'm poking fun as a simple joke.
    Some of them do it without noticing, and some do it on purpose so they can feel better about themselves. It just pisses the fuck out of me! Why would they choose me as the bull's eye target? Can't they choose someone else or someone out of the group? If we are truly "BFOM's", we wouldn't be having this issue with our friendship.
    I guess they think I'm an easy target, 'cause it seems like they are always aiming for me. There is not a day in my life that I would just like to tell them off and let them know what's going through my hectic head! It's such a bitch of what they are doing to me. Do I think the group will separate? No.
    Do I think we are using the "BFOM" excuse as a false pretense? Yes. They might just be in denial. Maybe someday, I will build up the courage to let them know what's going on in my mind. But for now, I will just write it in this journal and hope things will turn for the best!

--Tam Nguyen

Past, Present, Future.

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 01:03:17 GMT

I was right there. There, laying on my bed, pondering what the future holds for me. I asked myself:

"What will the future bring to me?"...

    That simple question got me to wonder, think, imagine, and hope how my life would turn out in the future. I thought about my family and friends, my love life, the places I would love to visit and explore and other random things. This seriously got me depressed for some reason. Even though I didn't have any bad thoughts about the future, I got really depressed just thinking about it. Am I scared of the future or am I just scared of the malicious things that might just randomly happen?
    I couldn't figure it out! Then I started to aim for my past. Was it the fact that my past was that horrible that I'm getting depressed over my future? This couldn't be the case! My past wasn't bad at all.
    Yes, I did loose the people that I love, but that's part of life. I met a lot of wonderful people that became my friends, I did a lot of traveling, I even helped out the poor by giving my belongings to charity. I started to get frustrated at myself for not knowing why I'm getting so depressed just thinking about my future. I should be looking forward to it! But then, it clicked--I'm not afraid of my future.
    I was afraid of forgetting my past; the wonderful memories that I had with my family, friends and all the people I've ever met. The fact that I had to let go of the past and move on to the future just scared me. Believe me, I am looking forward to the future, but I'm not looking forward in leaving my past behind and just forget everything that I have done and accomplished. I know what all of y'all are thinking. "Just don't forget. It's not hard!".
    Trust me, it is hard. Some memories that I had when I was younger are just fading away. I can barely remember some of my childhood vividly. This just fucking sucks! And so this lead me to why I created a live journal; jotting down anything interesting from my past, present and future.
    This is the most brilliant idea I had in a while. Who knows, this might even stop me from having depression issues of my past and upcoming future.

--Tam Nguyen